What I've done
by little purple butterflies
Summary: They hadn't seen each other for years. And still Ethan had been able to help where Reid's team members couldn't. Spoilers for Jones (2x18). Rated T for safety.


**A/N: This story was originally a song!fic - which aren't allowed to be posted here. When I deleted the lyrics though I found that it still works without them. So I decided to share my story in this version. If you want to read it in its original form you can do so over at my Livejournal account, I put up the link to it on my profile page. The title is from the Linkin Park song of that name.  
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******_All characters are property of CBS, Jeff Davis, Edward Allen Bernero and sadly not mine._********__********_ I just play with them a little and then return them to their owners_**. _Special thanks to my dear friend Sarah (1983Sarah) for all her help and encouragement and being a great beta. Thanks to everyone who read and/or reviewed one of my others stories._

Spencer sat in a chair at the jazz club and listened to Ethan's music. They had closed the case a few hours ago and the young agent had slipped away unnoticed as soon as possible.

Here there was no need to be on guard all the time. Here he wasn't watched.

His gaze was directed to the stage where his friend was playing the keyboard, but his mind was focusing on his thoughts.

Tomorrow he would fly back to Quantico with the team, so he thought he'd spent his last night in New Orleans here, at the place where he had reached a decision with the help of the dark-haired musician. Ethan wasn't even a profiler and yet he could see right through the protective wall that Reid had carefully built up.

His friend had made him face the fact that every member of the team was aware that Spencer had some serious problems and was fighting to come in terms with them. That his colleagues weren't fooled by the young agent's constant reassurance that he was fine.

Spencer clearly remembered every lie of his said since Georgia, most of them for pure self-protective reasons, the list ending with the one to Morgan and Prentiss the day before about having no cell phone reception when the latter had called him while he had been in the club with Ethan.

Without a doubt he knew that neither of them had bought it. Yet they had accepted the answer and hadn't asked any further, for which he was really grateful.

He just had to try and see if he could go on without the job.

Since the kidnapping he hadn't felt that he was able to face the UnSubs and talk them down anymore. So he was glad that he hadn't had to test it those hours ago.

The talk with Ethan helped Spencer to mentally take an inventory of everything that was going on with him; the cravings, the withdrawal symptoms, the nightmares, the feelings of insecurity and the doubts of being able to do his job.

And for the first time he felt ready to see past them.

When he had left the club he had come to the conclusion that he couldn't walk away, that his job at the BAU was too important to him to just step back and quit. And knowing what it was like to be a victim, he wanted to catch the UnSubs even more than before. He didn't want anyone to have to make the same experience he had if he could help it. After the decision had been made he finally had been able to focus on their current case.

Having reached some distance to everything that had happened since Georgia, he now realized that out of all of the team members, Prentiss probably was the one who had been most on the receiving end of his anger.

Maybe because he had hoped to get away with his behavior since she wasn't on the team that long and would most likely be fooled by his excuses.

Their confrontation in front of the shelter for the homeless in Houston during the previous case he regretted the most. When she had called him on his behavior - the only one of his colleagues who had - he had tried to push her away by stating that she didn't know him at all.

He had hoped that if she was angry at him, she would simply leave him be.

Now he could only hope that she would forgive him and take the time to get to know the person he really was. The one he had been prior to Georgia; the one he was determined to try and become again.

But in order to do that he knew he had to be honest to himself and also to the rest of the team. So he had started doing just that in the conversation with Gideon a few minutes ago.

He had been on the verge of tears admitting his fears and doubts but it had been worth it. Not because his mentor's words helped him.

But because he realized it wasn't a burden he had to carry alone anymore.

Spencer was smart enough to know that it was far from being over but he had taken the first step in the right direction. And he was confident that with the help of his friends he was able to go all the way and overcome every obstacle he would encounter.

Recalling their conversation, it hadn't gone unnoticed by him that Gideon hadn't said a word at neither his at times unprofessional behavior over the course of the last few cases, nor his denial of the fact that he needed help.

So he took it as a sign that the older agent had noticed his determination to climb up again the distance he had spiraled down over the last weeks, to deal with the problems instead of ignoring them.

The past few days had made it clear to Reid that, despite his doubts, the decision to become a profiler had been the right one. And that he was strong enough to continue working at the BAU.

Like he had told Gideon he wouldn't miss another plane again.

**A/N2: Thanks for reading! If you have some time please leave a review! Constructive criticism is always appreciated.**


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